What happens next

Well doesn’t this just suck. Not once in my life has the word PANDEMIC ever blipped on my radar as a life altering event that would effect my life. I mean sure, I learned about it in school, on the days that I bothered to pay attention, and growing up I would watch The Secret Garden with my mom (great movie by the way.) So, while I am familiar with the definition, I am not at all familiar with how the hell to navigate an actual pandemic.

For the record, I had no idea how to navigate saying goodbye to my husband too soon, or raising 5 children without him, but here I am. Some days I feel like I am doing a great job, and other days I hate the cards I have been dealt and second guess every.single.thing.

What happens next

Not only am I scared, but I am PISSED. Why the hell can’t people stay home? Do they not understand the impact of losing someone they love will have on them? No? Assholes. (Yes, I am talking directly to you idiot neighbor, who decided last night that having a party with 30 of your closest frat buddies was a great idea.)

I have felt the exact same way about my life lately. My youngest child has severe lung issues and would not survive getting sick. SO, I took an extended leave from my job, and put my career on hold to keep him safe. Let me just state for the record, I would do ANYTHING for my children, but right now this fucking sucks. Plain and simple, these last few weeks have been awful.

The fear of the unknown terrifies me.

Please tell me what happens next

I’ve had the absolute worst attitude about all of this. I hate it. I hate feeling so out of control and helpless. Ever since I lost my husband, I despise not knowing what’s going to happen ‘next.’ I’m the girl that reads the last page of a book just to make sure I will be okay with the ending. I hate flying because I absolutely need my feet on the ground. I’m the girl who can’t watch anything suspenseful on T.V. without frantically searching every single detail on the internet to see how it ends. I need to be in control so I can brace myself and prepare for what’s going to happen NEXT. If I know what’s coming, surely I can step in and change the outcome right?

WRONG.

What happens next

The reality that I am coming to terms with is this, I am not in control of what happens next. I never have been.

If I believe in a God who gives life and takes it away ( which I do,) then I for sure need to trust that He is in control right? That He will make beauty from ashes and all that Jazz? Even when I do not understand Him. Even when I’m so fucking angry. Even when it hurts like hell.

I have no idea what actually comes ‘next.’ No matter how hard I try to control the narrative, no matter how much I pray or wish, or hope, what happens next has NEVER and will never be, in my control.

Blind faith is a bitch sometimes.

Here’s what’s next

We are still here. Alive. I know it’s so fucking hard right now because we are away from the people we love the most. But it’s temporary. It’s a reality check. You think you miss them now, and they are still here. Imagine if they left you for good? And you had to live with the fact that you could never see them again.

Death is not temporary. What we are going through right now, is.

Until next time.

~A