Space Holders And Ledge Talkers
***TRIGGER WARNING:
This topic is about suicide. It’s super damn heavy. It’s not easy to write about and it will not be easy to read. Throwing that out there in advance. 😉
There isn’t one part of me that wants to write about this and I am certain not one person who loves me wants to read it. But transparency is my thing and suicide prevention is worth the vulnerability…so here we go…
Almost everyone I talk to is afraid of death. If we took a survey on what people are the MOST afraid of, I bet your sweet ass, death would be at the top of the list. For me though? Not so much.
Suicide is not a new concept to me. It’s something my brain has battled with for years. This last year I’ve tried to unalive myself, twice. Not one part of me wanted to be here anymore. It was getting harder and harder for me to find my way out (for the record I’m on the UP side of all of this and no longer feel that death is the best option. Progress. ALSO, therapy and medication are a huge boost.)
This year has tossed my ass around in some pretty brutal ways. I was checking the fuck out. I wanted to die and I was pretty okay with it being from my own hands, because … control. Shit the bed that is hard to write out loud.
I had resigned myself to dip the fuck out.
…and then?
Brady shows up. This kid; MY kid? He knows how to navigate my panic attacks and my sad. He is my biggest cheerleader and never allows space for me to be my biggest critic. He effortlessly treads water with me in the deep end. He’s my lifeline and my reason to stick around.
…and then?
Adella shows up. This girl? She’s my space holder AND ledge talker. The epitome of unconditional love. She shows up with shit I can actually eat (her cookies are my cure, always. ) I was starving myself to death because at the time it was the only thing that I felt was in my control. When I think I’m hiding shit, she reminds me that I can’t.
…and then?
Bria shows up. This girl? She oscillates between my space holder and ledge talker. She’s the girl that allows space for me to talk about suicide, but at the very same time reminds me that there are so many great things about me that people would miss. She is my daily reminder that sometimes I am God’s favorite. She is my entire heart so I believe that to be true.
…and then?
Dave shows up. This guy. He’s my space holder. My Northern Star. The person I will always and forever love. A person who shows up at the exact right time. Every time. A person who knows my heart. A person who sees through my bullshit, but also makes me face my own bullshit. My hypothetical P.O. box. My home base. Rain or shine this person shows up. Even when I’ve given him every reason not to. Soft with my heart, but patient with my inability to face my own hell.
…and then?
Todd shows up. At one point during this last year, I stopped talking. I couldn’t find my words. He sat with me in silence and picked me up each and every time I fell without needing any words from me to do so.
Space holders and ledge talkers. People who show up and unknowingly tie a knot at the end of your ‘I need the fuck out of this life,’ rope.
The reason this is so fucking important to write about is this : Space holders and Ledge talkers SAVE lives. When other people show up, so does your will to live. That might sound like bullshit, but this entire year has proven otherwise.
Please show up for people. In a world full of pain and people wanting to off themselves on the regular, please be a Brady to someone. When you see someone struggling to find their voice, please be their Bria. When someone talks about killing themselves, please be a Northern Star like Dave. When someone can’t eat, show up like Adella. When someone can’t find their words, be their Todd.
I will not let fear take my life from me. I will not let loss consume me or take away the life I know I still can make insanely great. I thought what I wanted more than anything was to quit. Imagine the same people always showing up to remind you that they’d love for you to stick around.
Until Next Time,
~A
