Widow Me This

Have you ever asked God, what the actual fuck? I have. In the last two years I’ve asked Him several times, DAILY. Have you ever been mad at God? I have. Have you ever questioned your faith in Him? I have. Have you ever prayed so hard for Him to stop allowing bad things to happen to you? I have. I have absolutely no idea how to play this bullshit hand I’ve been dealt. If God had Facebook I would unfriend Him. Straight up pissed as fuck with life right now. I’m tired and sad and so damn sick of losing people. Have you ever given up on Him? I…

‘I know it’s here somewhereThe faith I used to haveBefore the sky fell down on meBehind the curtainBeneath the hospital bedHiding just beyond my reach Feels like my prayers areBouncing off the ceiling tilesLike a helium balloonI can’t close the distanceBetween the way I feelAnd what I know is true I’m caught up in a battleI wasn’t looking forWhen I’m searching for solaceIn the middle of a war I’m tired of waitingBut I’m afraid of how it’s gonna endSo I’m stuck here in betweenBracing for bad newsAnd hoping for a miracleWhile I’m fighting to believe You are, YOU are my missing peace ‘ -JJ Heller Until next time, ~A

For the last year, I have been using my hour lunch break to go walk on the beach. At first, it was an opportunity for me to take a breath and process all of the ins and outs of my new job. Let me tell you, changing your entire career path is some scary shit. I absolutely love what I do, and not once have I ever questioned my decision, but jumping into something new is TOUGH. My office is just a hop, skip and a jump away from the beach (I know, right? Pretty rad) so what started out as an escape for me, turned into my refuge. Every…

Sometimes shit just fucking sucks. Sometimes there is no silver lining or a lesson to be learned. Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes shitty shit just fucking happens. Trying to normalize loss and pain is ridiculous to me. There is no justification in this entire world that will convince me that a parent burying their child ‘happened for a reason,’ or children watching their father die, ‘happened for a reason.’ I really wish people that have never experienced this kind of heart ripping loss could understand that those bullshit platitudes do not help. Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes shitty shit just fucking happens. Sometimes shit just fucking…