First Steps

I currently have an audience of one. My dog, who will always and forever be my biggest fan. Well, in my head anyway, because she is the only one in my life that never tells me how crazy I am (only because she is a dog and you know, can’t speak.) Fun fact though, by most people’s standards, I’ve earned the right to act just a little nuts (a little, a lot, same same.) I have been through some SHIT. Life altering, world changing, never gonna be the same, kind of shit. If you’d like some insight on just how far a person can bend without breaking, you’ve come to the right place.

A little heads up and a few things about myself that I’d like you to know , or a disclaimer if you like that term better… I think I am funny. I take that back, I think I am freaking hilarious and *sometimes* I can be inappropriate. I use way too many emojis and even more unnecessary punctuation marks. Once in a blue moon, I use poor grammar and say some really off the wall crap that not many people will understand or deem fit for an audience. I have a 0% success rate for filtering my words, and chances are huge that if something shouldn’t be said, I have already said it, very loudly. I am a girl who loves Jesus with all of my heart, but I also cuss- A lot. Please remember this and check your delicate sensibilities at the door if you have them…or maybe this kind of story isn’t for you? I hope that’s not the case though, because I think you’ll want to hear it (read? whatever.)

My life has been messy, beautifully and heartbreakingly messy. I will give you a brief summary and then unpack all of the crazy a little later, in more detailed entries.

In 2001, I had my first, ‘bring you to your knees, smack you right in the damn face,’ heart break. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant when I found out that the baby that I had been carrying, painting a nursery for, and already so much in love with, died before I could ever meet him on this side of heaven. Oh sweet Jesus that was by far the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life. Or so I thought .

I used to think that tragedy was a lot like lightning…

…it only happens to other people, and it only strikes the same person, or in the same spot, once. The reality is, lightning is dangerous because it’s so unpredictable. In my world, tragedy could make lightning its bitch.

On September 13th, 2018, lightning struck my family for a second time, and damn was it unexpected. My husband of 23 years, died of a brain aneurysm, without any symptoms or warnings (funny how fucked up life can be.) People who say lightning will never strike the same place twice have either: A) never watched the movie Sweet home Alabama, or B) haven’t had the pleasure of meeting anyone in my family.

A few days after my husbands celebration of life memorial, I finally took a breath and realized how damn heavy my life felt in that moment. I told myself that I was okay (honestly I didn’t believe that.) I have always and forever tried be the soldier on kind of girl…you know that annoyingly positive, everything is *totally fine* friend you have? The one that can find something to smile about during the apocalypse? That’s me. I have always been that girl. (side note, most of your friends that say they are *totally fine* have a flask shaped like a tampon hidden in their purse. Check on them. I promise you, they are not fine.)

The same day I told myself that I was going to be okay and I took that stupid ‘I am totally fine’ breath, my phone rang. I got call from my soul sister, and very best friend; MY OTHER HALF, who went in to her doctors office for a headache and came out diagnosed with Leukemia. This was the WTF cherry on top of my really, REALLY, life is awful sundae. I summoned up every stupid ounce of false hope and optimism I had and said.. ‘Well, you are going to be okay! We will fight this together and beat this!” Realistically, in my head I was saying, ‘ are you fucking kidding me right now God? Like THIS is your plan for my life? If I lose both of them, I will never be okay.’ I threw the biggest damn tantrum, like the helpless child I felt like. And as usual whenever my world falls apart -or I don’t get my way, or I am the least bit inconvenienced, or one of my kids looks at me funny, or need a reality/sanity check, or the sky is falling etc… I called my sister; MY OTHER HALF, who had just flown back home after busting her ass trying to help her sister survive, and stay among the living after losing her husband(more on that later…stay tuned for that story, because it’s EPIC.) and she said, and I quote, ‘ oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.’

I was tired and sad and honestly so sick of losing.

I was NOT going to lose my husband AND my best friend, right?

Wrong.

…In July of 2019, My best friend went to meet my husband and unborn child in heaven. I am pretty sure that was the day I unfriended God. (Edit: I wrote this in April 2020 – it’s now June 2021. I’m going to throw a few blanket statements out there for the handful of people that keep messaging me saying that, 1) ‘you can’t “unfriend” God’…no fucking shit, neither of us even have Facebook. <sarcasm> 2) ‘this is His will and you can’t be upset with Him’…The fuck I can’t. I have had it out with God so many times in the last two years that I can’t even keep count. Guess what? The God I have a relationship with has pretty broad shoulders. He can handle my anger. You can absolutely be pissed as shit with God and still believe in Him. 3) ‘if you’re doubting Gods plan you aren’t a true Christian’… Shut alllll the way up with that bullshit nonsense, for real. Pretty sure when Jesus was on the cross he wasn’t peachy keen jelly bean with God. My walk of faith is a relationship with God, and just like any other relationship, there are going to be bumps and roadblocks along the way. I’ve watched some of y’all fight with each other over the last hot Cheeto and give each other the silent treatment for a month. You’re gonna fight to the death over a damn Cheeto, but never get upset with God when your life is falling apart? Hardly. In case no one has ever told you before now, it is absolutely okay to be pissed as shit with God. You don’t have to put a brave face on for Him. He knows your heart, so knock off the bullshit messages. Or, you know, stop reading my blog. Fun fact: I am writing this for ME. I don’t need validation or to be ‘fixed.’ I am not broken and my salvation isn’t in question. Worry about your damn self. )

I desperately needed someone to blame. It was either blame God for taking them from me, or join God to be with them. I was too damn pissed at God to join them. My heart was broken and I felt so damn lost.

In my world tragedy makes lightning its bitch.

This is my life. This is my heartbreakingly, beautiful life. I have lost MY OTHER HALF, more than just once.

I am a Widow. I am a grieving mother. I buried my best friend.

I am still here and I am *mostly* okay. I hope somewhere in my story you find hope. I pray that you find strength. Somewhere in these twisted, sometimes distasteful paragraphs, I sincerely hope you find some peace…or maybe just a little humor to help you take the next step. I have been there. Somedays I am still right there with you …in the pits of sadness, so consumed with my own grief that I don’t even notice that I forgot to shower and smell like complete shit. It’s okay. I am okay, and you will be too (take a shower though, for real.)

I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve lost your other half, but perhaps if we try hard enough we will realize we are brave enough to stand on our own.

Until next time,

~A