Feelings

Does anyone else live with the assumption that they are constantly doing something wrong? That at any minute you’re going to be in trouble, or get yelled at and told how shitty you are? No one actually says that, but it’s how you feel. All.of.the.time?? Just me? Okay great 🙃

Feelings. So many damn feelings

If you can relate, I’m sorry. I am sorry that someone in your life made you feel like everything you did, or said was the wrong thing. I’m sorry that you couldn’t find your voice when you needed to. I’m sorry you felt you had to be a peacemaker (or worse, a doormat) to hold a relationship together.

FEELINGS

Here is what I so desperately need you to understand: feelings are not facts. In this case, I’m talking about how you ‘feel’ about how someone else perceives YOU.

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

As an empathetic person, this is hard for me. I am a person who feels everything. I struggle with this on the daily. It’s hard to separate how someone else feels, or ‘might’ feel about me, with how I feel about myself.

It’s so hard to love yourself when you feel like you’re hard to love.

Fun fact: You’re not. You are absolutely not hard to love, and neither am I. Caring the most does not make me hard to love. Having big feelings does not mean I am hard to love. Having big feelings does not make you hard to love. Your feelings are not a burden, your feelings are not ‘too much.’

Here’s what your feelings ARE:

Real.

Important.

Valid.

And most importantly, yours.

For the most part of these last few years, my comfort setting has always been silence. I struggle with verbalizing my feelings, and on the off chance I get brave and try? It’s messy. So I stopped trying to explain myself. Especially to people committed to misunderstanding me. That worked for a little bit, but it’s super hard to make authentic connections when you allow zero people into your world.

Feelings are not facts.

I’ve been slowly adapting to the thought of making personal connections again. I don’t have a very good success rate yet, but I’m trying. It’s really fucking cozy in my personal bubble, but it’s also lonely sometimes. Lonely is pretty comfortable for me, and it sure beats the constant feeling of needing to puke every single time I attempt a conversation, BUT… what if I’m made for more?

A friend of mine told me the other day, ‘I know staying silent has made you feel safe, but all it’s really doing is depriving people of the amazing, funny, messy person that you are, and that’s sad Ang. Really fucking sad. You don’t always say the wrong things, and it’s okay to stumble on your words until you can make sense of them. You’ve been through some shit and it’s changed your delivery, but not your content.’ Damn. He’s right though.

I have been through some shit.

It has changed my delivery, but not my content.

I may trip over my words or not make sense all of the time, but I am still me. What I feel and what I say may come out wrong sometimes, but whatever. I’m learning that it’s okay to speak. Progress

I have always had big feelings, and I’m finally surrounding myself again with people who love that about me. God bless ‘em for it though because it is not easy. I might feel like I’m hard to love, but only because I’m expecting people to not love me. I set myself up for failure before I even give it a chance. Playing it safe has not been working for me, so maybe it’s time to venture into new situations and find people who love alllll of this sparkle. 😊 Maybe not. I’d actually rather not, but at least I’m finally feeling like I might be open to it.

If you’re one of my traumatically induced mute friends out there, I see you. I hear what you can’t say, and I understand. There is so much safety in silence and I get that. 💯

On the flip side though? Connection requires communication and when we are ready, it’s out there.

Until next time,

~A