Comfortably Numb

For the last year, I have been using my hour lunch break to go walk on the beach. At first, it was an opportunity for me to take a breath and process all of the ins and outs of my new job. Let me tell you, changing your entire career path is some scary shit. I absolutely love what I do, and not once have I ever questioned my decision, but jumping into something new is TOUGH. My office is just a hop, skip and a jump away from the beach (I know, right? Pretty rad) so what started out as an escape for me, turned into my refuge. Every single day I park my car, pop in my headphones, and walk. Most of the time I’ll listen to music, but on the days that my brain can’t slow itself down I just use my headphones as earplugs to block out the noise (try it. You’re welcome.)

I’ve gotten very comfortable with my routine and for the most part, it brings peace to my otherwise turbulent days. Most days it’s sunny and warm, but my favorite days are when it rains. California doesn’t get very many rainy days, so being at the beach when it does rain, is my absolute favorite. My walk consists mostly of me wrapped up in my own little world – I watch the surf meet the sand, the birds shit wherever the hell they want, and some pretty ballsy squirrels manipulate the tourists for food (side note- if you don’t know this yet, and are new to California, please for fucks sake don’t feed the squirrels. They are all assholes.)

My daily walk has become my solace. It’s been my comfort through the chaos.

Until yesterday… what happened yesterday sucked. It’s actually not about what happened, as much as it’s about my REACTION to what happened.

Comfortably Numb

I was just minding my business, having an okay time, doing my usual lunchtime thing…I was taking in the day and processing everything around me. Sunshine, and asshole squirrels; Headphones in, music (actually) on… cop cars, a LOT of cop cars, ambulances, a fuck ton of people NOT wearing masks … A dead body. On the beach.

What the actual fuck.

That SHOULD have registered some deep emotions in me, right? I mean, I’m guessing most people probably would (or should) feel some sort of way about seeing a dead body?? Not me.

My first thought was- bummer. My second and third thoughts were- Why aren’t any of these people wearing fucking masks and why are they all in my damn way? I turned up my music, did an about-face and noped the hell right on out of there.

Who have I become? Have I become so comfortably numb with death, that I can no longer feel the devastation that comes along with it? Has filtering trauma and tragedy become my new default setting? Over the last two years I have lost 3 people that helped shape the core of who I am. My husband, my best friend and my brother. They played an intricate part of my life – the good, the bad and all of the in-between. The question isn’t IF I can handle it, because clearly I can, because I am. The question now becomes, who am I becoming without them?

I have never been a ‘comfortably numb’ kind of human. Three years ago seeing a dead body… a dead PERSON… would have torn my heart in two. Now? Now it just feels normal to me, and that is fucking terrifying. I don’t want to be comfortable with death. I wish I wasn’t.

Until next time,

~A