Calmly Chaotic

Finding the calm in the chaos has never been a strong sticking point for me. I STRUGGLED. Like legit struggled every single day to show up, control the narrative and force some sort of outcome. For those of you unfamiliar, that’s a straight up trauma response -!: and… it’s exhausting. Urgency is directly related to the part of the brain trying to heal from trauma. It hurts and we need it to end. There’s full on panic and a race to the finish line until it does. Blast of a shit time, just saying.

(Side note: it also never works. Not for this girl at least.)

This year was a turning point for me, and lately I’ve been learning the why. In order to learn the why though? Hard lessons that hurt, naturally.

Nothing comes super easy for me so it’s not surprising that giving up control would either. Learning to trust people after your world has been handed to you ass over elbow, is hard. Learning how to trust myself? Even harder.

My growth has come from spending a fuck ton of time turning inward. There is so much strength in solitude. (Solitude is NOT the same as isolation, and being alone is not the same thing as being lonely.)

Learning how to be alone and trusting myself to navigate my life without outside noise was a game changer. Knowing that no matter how chaotic and crazy things get around me, I can find my own way to calm, has been liberating as hell.

I have a friend who refers to me as his, ‘no ma’am’ friend. He would always ask me to do the most fucked up terrifying things and I would always respond, no ma’am. Nope. Skydiving? Hell the fuck no. Combat sport? No ma’am. Hopping on airplanes and sleeping in airports? No fugging thank you. Meet and greet concerts? Negative. Surfing? Fuck to the no (heads up, there are absolutely sharks in the ocean in case any of you didn’t know. 🤟🏻) Anything outside my comfort zone was always a, ‘no ma’am.’ I never really trusted myself to be able to handle situations where I couldn’t control the chaos. When I learned to stop trying to control the outside noise and turned all my efforts into what was happening on my inside? ✨Magic✨

Trying new things has been scary as shit, but it was my promise to myself going into this year, and I’ve kept it. Proudly. My people in heaven are watching me THRIVE and it feels pretty rad.

I am no longer the ‘no ma’am friend.’ I’ve had quite the year of adventures and trusting in my ability to do things for ME with ME has been hugely pivotal. The person I was at this time last year, wouldn’t recognize the person I am today. I love who I am becoming. I love the person I was who got me this far though too. The scared to live, scared to take up space version of myself is hardly recognizable these days and it’s been a hell of a ride helping her calm the chaos.

We are all going through shit we can’t talk about. We make things messy and chaotic. That’s all okay. The best part about making a mess? We can usually find a way to clean it up. Growth can only happen when you’re willing to sit with the worst versions of yourself and love who you are regardless. It helps to have people around you to celebrate your wins, but if no one is around? Clap for your fucking self.

Happy Thanksgiving 💜

Until Next Time,

~A